Professional Development Reflections- A Black Educator's Learning Journal
Race Reflective Journal #2
Here are my thoughts, such as they are, on our latest CCPI meeting last week. This journal is a little jumbled and hard to understand- the learning session was very difficult for me. Since writing my thoughts out helps me both a) process my feelings and b) organize my thoughts, I am hoping that this entry will help me explain my struggle more eloquently.
I’m feeling very conflicted about the CCPI project for a variety of reasons:
1. During the virtual session, an affinity space was offered to Black educators for support. Given that I knew the material that was going to be presented— and that I had a problem with that material— I tried to access the affinity space. When the link for the room was shared, it was introduced as a support space for Black educators; when that support was needed. Usage and time restrictions were not communicated to group. So, I went to the group. There were no support people in the group. I wrote that the group was “not very helpful, tbh.”
During the breakout group time, there was a response from the affinity group. This response was not in the spirit of the learning we are supposed to be doing. I got a non-apology by one of the leaders of the project; along with an excuse-- I wasn’t accessing the space at the appropriate time. An opportunity for growth missed by that leader. A proper apology would have asked how to do better or how to improve. Instead, I was told ‘you’re using it wrong.’ Why wasn’t support for the entire session available? I needed support from my employer who was leading this session. Instead, I went to cry in a bathroom, and had to call/ text family and friends for my own support.
2. My team resorted to use of AI for a draft of the part of our project we need to complete while I was out of the room, trying to compose myself. Why even do the project if we’re not writing it ourselves? If we are not using this opportunity to reflect and examine what we harm we cause and how to change it. That is the true point of an inquiry like this.
3. I have lived experience in this subject, and I have significant academic expertise in this work; but neither are recognized or valued in discussions. I tried to guide the team in writing our own preamble for the project, and my guidance was dismissed. The group is perpetuating a common issue I have dealt with in every project I’ve ever participated in: no one listens to black women, no matter how much expertise is on the table. It is becoming clearer to me that this project is not for teachers of color; it’s about helping our white colleagues understand the basics of racism. Still.
4. When I offer ideas, no one is adding to them or offering input or feedback. I don’t want to do all the work while at the same time not being listened to in broader conversations.
5. The content shown this session is dated and problematic. Eye of the Storm is 55 years old and the follow-up Blue Eyed is 30 years old. And it focusses on a white woman. There has been more significant and more recent research done by scholars of color that would better fit with this project. Myt problem with Jane Eliot's work in this series-- I don’t want people to experience racism to understand – that just perpetuates the cycle. I don't want anyone to be treated the way Black folks are treated in society. Watching a teacher perpetuate this treatment on children and adult learners does not make me fell good; I feel just the opposite.
Experience does not equal empathy. More recent scholarship is focussed on ensuring white people have to listen to black people’s experience. It is an exercise in listening and dealing with guilt and other feelings blocking progress from being done.
6. I don’t want to be a prop that demonstrates how disadvantaged black people are. It reminds me of an activity I participated in in Teacher’s College.
7. I am struggling with my coworkers’ stage in this journey. We’ve acknowledged racism has been a problem for over 40 years in our school board. I went through the HWDSB in the 1990s and I see students experiencing the same things now. Teachers seems to be in the same place they were then. I hate that students are going through the same things I had to go through. Martin Luther King wrote in Letters from a Birmingham Jail,
“I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is [...] the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season.”
8. I’m dying of multiple-system organ failure and this has been my life’s work. I fought to come back to work so that I can continue to create change. But it feels like nothing has changed and I’m just tired of it. I want to joy outlined in the book we are encouraged to read. I want to focus on that joy for our students.
9. I’d rather run a black student group on my own and do some good at the school-level, and bring in that joy that is missing. I want to work with the Black students and help them feel pride, and the winds of change- even if the institutions they exist in are taking too long to make that change.
10. How do I share these feelings with the well-meaning White folks in this project….? Do I leave the project in hopes of not disrupting the productivity of the group? I am reminded of a quote from Reni Eddo- Lodge's book Why I Am No Longer Talking to White People About Race, "This emotional disconnect is the conclusion of living a life oblivious to the fact that their skin colour is the norm and all others deviate from it.... At best, white people have been taught not to mention that people of colour are “different” in case it offends us. They truly believe that the experiences of their life as a result of their skin colour can and should be universal. I just can’t engage with the bewilderment and the defensiveness as they try to grapple with the fact that not everyone experiences the world in the way that they do."
Race Reflective Journal #1
What are the most significant new learnings that you take away from this session? Did anything cause you dissonance? If yes, what and why?
I am so excited to be working with my staff team and my former professor Nicole West-Burns on a Critical Consciousness Practitioner Inquiry, addressing Anti-Black racism at school. The first session I attended was October 1, and I thought it would be interesting to capture my reflections here in a space have cultivated to explore my learning about how to continue my anti-racist activism in the classroom. Hopefully, if you are reading this, you will find it interesting too- and maybe create your own journal to capture your new learnings.
One new learning I had was that the City of Toronto has written an African Descendants Acknowledgement Statement. I actually had no idea about that these statements were a thing. I have used the following statement as my land acknowledgement statement for my outgoing emails for a few years now:
"I ACKNOWLEDGE that I live on the unceded traditional territories of many nations including the Mississaugas of the Credit, the Anishnabeg, the Haudenosaunee, and the Wendat peoples, on land which is now home to many diverse First Nations, Inuit, and Métis peoples. As an African descended person, I acknowledge that my ancestors were brought here by force as enslaved peoples in both Canada and the United States. As a descendant of the Lumbee and Tuscarora peoples of the Neuse River in North Carolina, I acknowledge that I am a guest in the territories of the Haudenosaunee and Anishnabeg. I honour the legacy of my ancestors, both known and unknown, and I continue to be committed to honouring the land, and standing in solidarity with all Indigenous and Black peoples in our ongoing work toward decolonization and freedom."
I have never seen another statement that acknowledges these 2 identities. My statement is personal; it reflects my identity as a Black woman and as an Indigenous woman. I feel is we as an organization could create such a statement for our schools; this practice could be so empowering for our Black students. It would be a way to teach some pride in the struggles and challenges that Black folks overcame to get where we are today- and especially that we value Black students and their identities.
I did feel dissonance with one aspect about the training today; and it is a complicated one to express- so hear me out- there’s was a large group of educators are learning about Anti-Black Racism and how to disrupt it in our classes, and maybe our schools- but I feel that this is only one half of true Anti-Racism work.
Being an Anti-Raicst has two parts: one is that learning and unlearning about racism and how it functions in our society to opress and/or privilege people. The other half is about supporting those people who live inside and struggle against those oppressions for so long.
During the PD session, there was an affinity space for Black educators to ensure their safety and comfort. How do we provide such a practice for students? Or even for our educators in the field? I do not think we are doing a great job of this currently. What do we do for our Black students who are struggling with the anger they feel at an injustice or radicalized attack? We don't provide a space to express that frustration and anguish for our students. And when they act out- we call the police. We often tone police Black students in how they can express frustration, or themselves. Personally, I am a product of such tone policing. When I moved to Canada as a child, I was put into speech therapy by my school board for having a voice that "sounded too Black." We tell our Black students to be proud of their histories and identities, and then condemn their accents/creations/music/fashion that was born out of their history and marginalization.
There is a true cognitive dissonance that one suffers as a Black teacher in the Canadian Education institution. I often find myself at war with myself over my intentions as a teacher: do I help my Black students learn to code switch in order to be successful in this racist society; or do I join in their anger at the hypocrisy of Anti-Racism rhetoric by an institution that will not make substantive change to its policies, practices and procedures; and continues to perpetuate the problems Black students have always faced in Ontario? To be a Black teacher in Ontario is truly a constant battle to figure out how to best support the Black students coming up after me.
Additionally, I felt that, once again, the training focused on teaching White educators in the Board. Of course this makes sense because 88% of the teachers in my Board identify as White, but there was also a significant number of teachers of colour in the training too. In addition to an affinity space, I would like to see something created specifically for Black teachers- training and education for those of us who are not only teachers, but mentors and members of the Black communities in our city. A breakout space, that could connect us as professionals, and provide us with a space to help create our own solutions. To me, that would be such an inspiring and empowering way to harness the Black excellence of our organization. A group like that would be revolutionary.
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