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Image: Bob Al-Greene/ Mashable |
Racial gaslighting is something that more and more people are calling out in social media and in public settings. Gaslighting as an insidious form of racism and trauma for people of colour. It doesn't matter if its intentional- the harm happens whether it is meant to or not. In my conversations with people, I'm beginning to think that folks don't have a a real idea about what gaslighting really is. What it looks like, sounds like and feels like.
Examples of racial gaslighting include:
- criticizing how a person expresses themselves to divert attention away from their message
- trivializing or minimizing racist incidents
- denying that events/ conversations took place
What "Gaslighting" looks and sounds like in Education:
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and abuse concentrated on making someone doubt reality. Gaslighting in Education has many forms. Not only is it used against students of colour in the social interactions they may have, but it is part of our curriculum that we teach. I am someone who learns best by example, so here are a few examples from my own experience as a student and as a teacher:
- Example 1: One of my students was teaching me some words in Urdu (as she was preparing for a trip) and a colleague joined us and asked what we were doing. When I told them, they said, "where do they speak that? Urduistan?" My student was upset, and did not know how to respond. As an anti-racist teacher, I said that I would take care of it to my student. I spoke to that colleague privately, about how that comment was inappropriate. He was angry about the interaction, so he told the principal, and I was called into her office for a "harassment" complaint. When I told her what had happened, she told me he was "joking" and that I shouldn't have alienated my co-worker like that.
How is this gaslighting? There was a manipulation of what happened. I did not harass my co-worker. I politely explained how erasing a student's home country and (even as a joke) saying "Urduistan" was racist and made this student upset. His anger led him to the principal who believed his side of the story- even after I explained what happened-- resulting in my reprimand. Because what he said was taken by my administrator as "just a joke" I was instructed to apologize for speaking to him so severely. Even though we are equals as teachers, I was not equal to my white colleague and my white administrator. My concerns were dismissed, where my co-worker feelings were valued as higher than mine because I was mean. Trying to re-write the event as a harmless joke instead of the racist comment and then disciplining ME for my tone when commenting on it is GASLIGHTING.
- Example 2: After a parent-teacher interview, my principal took me aside, and said that my (afro-textured) hair was not appropriate or professional for important meetings. She had seen my hair tied back before, why didn't I tie it back for this meeting? I explained that this constituted a micro aggression, and was actually racism. This administrator was offended by my response to her "professional advice."
How is this gaslighting? After I told this administrator that what she said was racist, she redefined the conversation as "professional advice." Trying to redefine a conversation after someone has told you the harm it inflicted to minimize one's part in causing the harm is GASLIGHTING.
- Example 3: I had posted a comment about racism, and it was pointed, and made my colleague and friend uncomfortable. She wrote to me that "guilting people" will not create allies against racism. And that "educating/ teaching/ informing was better than shaming." To which I responded that I wasn't shaming anyone- if someone was ashamed by reading what I wrote, that says something about their character because silence is violence. I ended the conversation without any closure, because it wasn't going to happen in that conversation. No fighting, just left it to come back to later. Sometimes people need to digest what has been said.
How is this gaslighting? Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "The white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your method of direct action." (Letters from a Birmingham Jail, 1963). Having to present my anger in a way palatable to white people is GASLIGHTING. I can still have emotion and make a valid point. As a BIPOC person, why wouldn't I be angry at the treatment of myself and other people like me as second-class citizens? That anger drives my action; powers my voice. It should not be ignored because white folks are UNCOMFORTABLE. White people's feelings do not matter more than BIPOC feelings. Stopping a conversation on racism because one feels uncomfortable is GASLIGHTING.
- Example 4: When I was a student, I had a professor who was giving a lecture on the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s US say offhandedly that Martin Luther King, Jr. plagiarized his Ph.D thesis. I asked why this would be relevant to the lecture he was giving about the Civil Rights Movement, since MLK did do all the action and speeches he did. He said that he thought we would "want to know."
How is this gaslighting? Here the professor was trying to delegitimize Dr. King's contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What was the point? He was talking about the boycott and the March on Washington- not MLKs academic career. Not only was this comment out of place in the lecture, but it served no purpose but to undermine a Black activist and hero to many people. That's GASLIGHTING.
- Example 5: In a class in high school about Canadian History, we were learning about the settlement of the West of Canada. As one of the only Black students in the class, I asked the teacher about Black communities around this time. Instead of admitting that he didn't research that, he yelled at me, "that's not what we are talking about now!" and sent me out of the room for interrupting his class.
How is this gaslighting? Erasure of different communities either by the teacher, or the curriculum is GASLIGHTING. To pretend that they were never there in a lesson tells the student that their history isn't real history, or that it doesn't matter. There were Black settlers in the West. Instead of admitting he didn't know and would look into it, he dismissed my point because it made him look bad.
What Gaslighting feels like:
How is it that I can remember events like this- even from high school? Because gaslighting is abuse- it hurts like any other form of racism does. My entire educational career is full of stories like this where I was made to doubt what had happened, what was said to me and how I interpreted it. My feelings were often minimized where I was told I was too sensitive about something; that I was making it a bigger deal than it was. Its effect was to make me feel like my voice, my point of view was worth less than that of my white counterparts. This had profound affect on my self-esteem and mental health. I always thought I was over-reacting.
Gaslighting has also had long-lasting negative effects on my career. I am characterized by administrators as stupid, a troublemaker or mentally unstable because I am the problem - not the systemic and institutionalized racism in which I work and comment upon. I am the one that cannot advance in my career because of my outspokenness and frustration about the racism I face everyday. I am the one who "fits" into the "Angry Black woman" stereotype instead of people recognizing the value in what I am saying. My tone is policed- I'm too emotional or too angry to make a "valid" point. I "make people uncomfortable" when I talk about race. These are all things that have been said to me and about me.
What should you do if you gaslight someone (how to apologize)?
The first thing to know is that you don't get to decide whether or not you have gas-lit someone. If you are told you gas lit someone, you need to listen to their experience of what happened. You need to understand their hurt because you caused trauma.
If someone is telling you that you have gas-lit them they are trying to help you learn, and take back power for themselves. They care about your relationship- and want to continue having one with you. If, on your journey to being an ally, you cause unintentional harm, I like to use this analogy: If you opened a door and accidentally hit a person on the other side of that door, what would you do? Would you respond with "why are you hurt? I didn't mean to hit you with the door?' Of course not. You would apologize and move more carefully in the future. Its the same with gaslighting- recognize that you hurt someone, apologize genuinely, and be careful in the future.