One of the toughest things about being an Anti-Racism activist is the conversation that I have with well-meaning, (somewhat) open-minded white folks. They want to learn, and they want to do better- but the discomfort that comes with having a dialogue about racism is tough for many people.
Why wouldn't it be? Its the ultimate paradigm shift- everything we know and have been taught is a problem; and if white people want to help disrupt racist systems and ideas, we all let go of what we know.
Journalist Reni Eddo-Lodge wrote a great book called, Why I am no longer talking to white people about race (there is a brief look into its contents in this article here.) At the crux of his argument is "This emotional disconnect is the conclusion of living a life oblivious to the fact that their skin colour is the norm and all others deviate from it.... At best, white people have been taught not to mention that people of colour are “different” in case it offends us. They truly believe that the experiences of their life as a result of their skin colour can and should be universal. I just can’t engage with the bewilderment and the defensiveness as they try to grapple with the fact that not everyone experiences the world in the way that they do."
It's this idea were we get the term marginalized from: the whiteness is the "normal" and any other race is just that, "other." That whiteness is centred in the societal narrative, and all other races' histories and experiences deviate from that. Understanding this is important to having a meaningful conversation on race and racism with each other.
Marginalization is also the reason why ideals like "colour-blindness" to race, is problematic. Racism is not only those interpersonal interactions between people, but a systemic system that works to marginalize people of color at all levels of society. Ignoring that fact, and the experiences of BIPOC people in this system is at the heart of racial "colour-blindness." Black feminist scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw says, "It’s this idea that, to eliminate race, you have to eliminate all discourse, including efforts to acknowledge racial structures and hierarchies and address them,” she said. “It’s those cosmopolitan-thinking, 21st-century, ‘not trying to carry the burdens of the past and you shouldn’t either’ [people]. There are people who consider themselves left, progressive and very critical, who have convinced themselves that the only way to get beyond race is to stop talking about race. By taking this stance, they align themselves with the post-racial liberals and self-styled colour-blind conservatives.”
But ignoring a problem like racism, will not make it go away. In fact, it's the fastest way to silence activism trying to fight it. Which is why learning to talk about racism is an important skill for both white people and people of colour.
To navigate these tough conversations, a number of conditions need to be set and followed so that all parties get the most from the interaction. In their book Courageous Conversations, Glenn Singleton and Curtis Linton formalize the structure of a "Courageous Conversation" as a dialogue that "utilize[s] the agreements, condition and compass to engage, sustain and deepen interracial dialogue about race." One of the more practical components to a courageous conversation is the four agreements: "1. stay engaged; 2. speak your truth; 3. experience discomfort and 4. expect and accept non-closure."
What I like about these agreements is that they pertains to everyone having a tough talk. All four agreements are difficult, but important to both parties.
1. Staying engaged:
When speaking to white people about my experiences with racism, its easy for my to become angry then disengaged when I don't see the empathy I expect from sharing my story. It isn't fair for me to expect that sympathy, especially if I'm teaching someone, but it happens, I'm human. The challenge for me is to push through that dismissal, and to keep discussing. My goal is to make someone understand, not feel bad for me. Keeping this in mind is helpful for me to remain engaged. Sometimes what I say in discussions of race with white folks can seem hurtful- and that's when I notice their disengagement from our conversation. But that's why the second agreement is so important.
2. Speak your truth:
If you feel overwhelmed, you can say that. If you fell attacked, you can say that. Its better to say what you are feeling so that it can be addressed. Better that then disengaging and not learning anything new; or getting sad, angry, or annoyed and disengaging again. Speaking to one's own experience is integral to gaining new understanding of each other, and makes having these kinds of conversations more meaningful.
3. Experience Discomfort:
I think this is the one that is the key to navigating a tough conversation on race: it is uncomfortable. Sometime very uncomfortable. Its going to be, because we are all part of racist systems in society. Everyone has implicit biases that form our opinion and values. We all have privileges and oppressions because of the multiplicity and intersectionality of our identities. Culturally, we shy away from conversations that are uncomfortable- that's why all of us know the saying that one shouldn't talk about "politics or religion." But we are all part of politics- we need to talk about it to shape our society into what we want it to be. So, even though its uncomfortable, we need to talk through issue like oppression. And we need to be okay with being uncomfortable (and vulnerable) in these conversations. The more we experience discomfort, the more equipped we will be to have these very important conversations with each other.
4. Expect and Accept Non-Closure:
No one conversation is going to solve racism. And no one conversation will completely change someone's mind. We need to accept that conversations will end without closure for either person. But that's okay- it leaves a door open to come back to these conversations. And we need to be able to revisit this talks again and again. For myself, I know that if I engage in a talk about race with someone, I may not convince them about my position, but I can inform them about it- and that has to be enough for me. Focus your goal for the conversation on yourself, what you want to say, and recognize that these types of talks are bigger than one meeting.
I remember one conversation I had about race with a friend: I had posted a comment about racism, and it was pointed, and made this friend uncomfortable. She wrote to be that "guilting people" will not create allies against racism. And that "educating/ teaching/ informing was better than shaming." To which I responded that I wasn't shaming anyone- if someone was ashamed by reading what I wrote, that says something about their character because silence is violence. I ended the conversation without any closure, because it wasn't going to happen in that conversation. No fighting, just left it to come back to later. Sometimes people need to digest what has been said. A while later, I posted something on types of gaslighting- in particular this image talking about "ally gaslighting."
She messaged me again, recognizing that what she did was gaslighting. And that she was working on that. Which is a new opening for further conversation. During this learning, we both sat in discomfort. For me it was "oh great, am I losing another friend?" And for her, she felt attacked and shamed for silence. Our first conversation ended without a conclusion either of us wanted- but it did leave the door open for future talks. Did I enjoy the talk? Not really. Do I think the talk was important? Absolutely.
Setting out agreements before a difficult conversation can help us navigate conversations about race. I will continue to have these conversations, because teaching is a large part of my activism. I have found these agreements very helpful when speaking to people about racism, and I hope you do too.
Sources:
Eddo-Lodge, Reni. "The Long Read: Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People Learn About Race" The Guardian, May 30 2017. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race Accessed 9/2/20.
Singleton, Glenn and Curtis Linton. Courageous Conversations About Race. Corwin Press: Thousand Oaks, 2006.